Death

Before this trip, I hadn't thought much about death. I knew that there is a tendency to regard death as the ultimate failure, that people are supposed to be fighters to keep living, and doctors are supposed to find heroic methods to keep people alive (at least when the quality of life can be preserved). I also know that it is not a topic that people talk about. It is something to be denied, at least as long as possible.

Ultimately if we define death to be a failure, then we just set ourselves up for failure. But it isn't failure. How can it be? Everyone dies. That's just reality. That is not failure. We have not failed a loved one if we didn't find the magic cure. Nor have we have not failed our loved ones if we slip off into death and leave them behind. Those are simple facts. Everyone dies, everyone always has, and everyone always will.

While on this trip, several of our family and friends have died and others have had some scares. Depending on the circumstances, we have offered to fly home, we have made quiet prayers, we have added the name of the deceased loved one to elaborate religious ceremonies, or we have just sat stunned and unsure what to do. And we have thought a lot about death.

At Hindu Ghats, we watched cremations, seeing so visibly the temporary nature of our bodies as fire tenders stir the fire to shuffle body parts like logs. From dust we come and to dust we shall return. Vivid images. In Buddhist monasteries, we were directed to meditate on death. To understand it, acknowledge it, accept it. To think about death, and to think about our death, and the death of everyone around us. How near it really is in the larger scale of time. Death is inevitable, only the time is unknown.

In Western cultures we think about forces as things we master. We conquer nature and tame it. We have complete responsibility for our life, with beliefs in external spirits and such considered superstitions. In Eastern cultures there is less belief in the ability to control and more in preserving a positive state of mind through acceptance. If a river floods, then that is just the way it is, and building a dam seems to offend nature and possibly just make things worse in the future. It is better to just accept the flood.

The intense drive to change and master has led to great material gains in the West, but the acceptance and focus on a peaceful mind in the East has led to less feelings of emptiness. Which is right? Both, neither. Clearly the belief that we can change the world around us, that we can control it and master it has led to incredible progress that I would hate to give up. On the other hand, there is great wisdom in the Eastern acceptance.

Ultimately, we all die. Obviously if we can defer that date and preserve good quality of life than we should. Few would argue with that.

But the state of mind is the key point. We should attempt to preserve life but remain at peace. If we fight death as an enemy we die a unhappy death and our loved ones suffer as well. If we accept it as inevitable, then everyone's hearts can remain at peace. We can rejoice if life is preserved a little longer, but not fall into despair if it isn't. Feelings of loneliness do not grow into feelings of rejection or being forsaken by one's God. It is just death, no more no less.

We read about the experience of death in ancient texts like the Tibetan Book of the Dead. We hear about the near-death experience of a dear friend. The similarity is spooky. The Tibetans prepare for death. They believe that what happens to the spirit/soul depends on the state of mind at the time of death. Angry or fearful minds are likely to end up in hell realms, while peaceful and generous states of mind can lead to the heaven realms. Life is a process of conditioning the mind to remain calm and peaceful, to accept that final moment and move to a better place. Those who live generous life can die feeling fulfilled and pass to heaven realms. Those who live a life just for material pursuit in this world, perhaps at the expense of morals or the well being of others, will feel panicky and afraid at the moment of death, and pass to the hell realms. According to Tibetans, as the body shuts down, the process of death sends the mind through several very scary stages and how it reacts determines the next destination. Christians might state this as maintaining serenity and faith in their Savior, and the allowance for "death-bed conversions" seems consistent with the idea that the final state of the mind is most important. Tibetans study and prepare to guide their mind calmly through the process.

Whether you accept the Tibetan beliefs is not relevant. The point is that they simply acknowledge death as an experience that everyone will go through. They neither fear nor desire it, they just know that it will inevitable occur someday and they prepare themselves for it.

Perhaps in the West we could benefit from a more open discussion of death, and acceptance of the reality. In the west, when we talk about death, loved ones will quickly rush in and say not to talk like that. If we are ill then we are admonished not to give up and talk about death. That is not healthy. We do not get to talk with our loved ones. We need to acknowledge reality. We will die. Everyone we know will die.

Once we accept that death will occur, and could even occur today, then we ensure that every day that we live counts. That is ultimately the way to prepare for death -- to live life today so that we have no regrets if we die tomorrow. Material pursuits or getting emotionally attached to transient things seem less important. Instead we think about what is really important, and are quietly led to act on those deeper beliefs we consider important.

Accept death as a fact of life. And live life today so that you have no regrets is you die tonight. Ironically, this seemingly pessimistic advice liberates you from so much worry, and leads to a very optimistic life.